Where can I turn for peace?
Where is my solace
When other sources cease to make me whole?
When with a wounded heart, anger or malice,
I draw myself apart
Searching my soul?
Where, when my aching grows,
Where, when I languish,
Where, in my need to know, where can I run?
Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?
Who, who can understand?
He, only One.
He answers privately,
Reaches my reaching
In my Gethsemane, Savior and Friend.
Gentle the peace he finds for my beseeching.
Constant he is and kind,
Love without end.
–Emma Lou Thayne
The drama from last night stuck with me. I don’t care for drama outside of tv and movies. It isn’t as entertaining when it is your life. I am not sure what happened but I guess every once in awhile all the emotions just need to come out. That happened this morning. I started the morning ok, then got mad and went to church mad. I was not a happy camper. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. It’s church, you really can’t do that.
God had other ideas.
The music leader wasn’t there and I stepped in to lead the music. Then the hymn started. I started to tear up. I was in the Spanish group and even though I tried concentrate on singing in Spanish, my brain had other ideas. I love this hymn, especially this version. I love the comfort it brings. I was going through the words in English in my head so I struggled the whole time and then sat down and struggled some more. There was no way I could get up in front of everyone crying. So I asked my husband if he could lead the music in my stead and I went to the mother’s room and cried. And prayed. And cried. I needed to hear that song today. I touched my heart and took the anger away. The song really describes the process I was going through.
I pulled myself together enough to go back and sit with my family. I have a wonderful husband. He was sitting in front of me and reached back to hold my hand. I was sniffling but I wasn’t outright crying. I was on the verge of tears the whole time. It’s ridiculous. I guess sometimes you just need to get it all out. The timing was horrible. A dear woman saw me struggling and came up and gave me a hug. I was appreciative, truly. I lost it again. I decided to go home because I couldn’t talk without crying.
I was at home and since it was Michael’s birthday I got to work on a brunch for him. I listened to the radio (hymns and BYU-I devotionals) while I cleaned up and made french toast and bacon.
After we cleaned up I went to lay down and cry some more. Yes, I am a cry baby. Always have been. But I got it out of my system and I am now able to function and think rationally. Don’t make decisions while in a funk. Always so dramatic. I don’t think the peace always comes immediately. Sometime it does. I think I needed the time to work things out.
Last night I was tucking in the kids and Michael seemed upset. I asked and he said he was sad that he didn’t have any presents. I had said I would give him money since he didn’t know what he wanted. I didn’t want to buy something he didn’t want. I felt like the worst mom in the world. Who wants to ruin their baby’s birthday! I tucked everyone else in and talked to Alex. I was going to go to the store after I put the baby down for the night and get Michael a present. It was 11 p.m. I took Noah with me because he must have his dad’s genes. He took a nap and was wide awake. So I got to spend time with him.
I had an idea suddenly that Michael needed clothes. I’m pretty sure God had a hand in that idea. I got him a sweater, a jacket, and a flannel red/black plaid shirt. And a hotwheels car and candy. The car is a funny thing. All my boys loved cars growing up. The other day we were joking around and he said he loves getting a hotwheels car for Christmas. They get one in their stocking every year.
This morning when he woke up he was fully expecting to get nothing. He LOVED the present! Yay! It reminds me of the year he turned 10. Alex had told him that if he didn’t put his bike away (a thrift store special), that it would get taken away. The day of his birthday he left his bike on the front yard. Alex got home from work and he made a show of taking Michael’s bike and putting it in the back of the truck and driving off. Michael was a crying wreck. Alex came back around the block and pulled a new bike out of the back of his truck. It was an awful joke but the look on Michael’s face when he saw the new bike was so cute.
His food requests for the day were great. French toast for breakfast then hamburgers for dinner. He loves key lime pie and lemon meringue pie. So I combined them and made a key lime meringue pie. I need to make up my own recipe. All the ones I’ve made have too much sugar. Pie Week is coming up and I’ll work on it then. I’ll let you know what Pie Week is when it comes up.
The pies were a group effort. Lauren and Alex made the crust (I dislike making the crust). I made the filling and then tried to teach Michael and Lauren how to separate eggs for the meringue. It was funny because I told them to keep trying but eventually they went through so many eggs that we wouldn’t have enough to make the meringue. So I took over and now I have enough already cracked eggs to make breakfast in the morning. I think we went through 2.5 dozen with them trying to get it right.
But that is part of the reason we have chickens.
I guess this is where I leave you for the night.